how does it feel to die? dying?

later this month, while walking towards the waiting shed in manila, i saw a middle aged man jumped over the barricade in Manila City Hall, under the Street Light. Accidentally, his foot touched the barri and he fell off the ground. i heard a *DUG* sound. he was like a plant sudden died due to direct sun heat. the man wasn't moving anymore, his companion keep on asking and shaking him, making sure if he is ok but to no response. a man carried him aside and laid him on the floor. he was still unconscious. the lady raised his hand but it just dropped. i think, he is dead.

a lot of times, i have wished being in that situation -- dead.
i already came to a point in just a blink of an eye, im done. im over. suicidal, accidents, sickness and even dying.

i can still remember, how my blood scattered on the monoblock table, on the floor, and the dripping bloody wet jacket over my head. yes, my blood. i got hit in the head of a monoblock chair by a fucking guy. as the blood flows down of my body, i was getting sleepy, but i hear voices, i hear chaos at that moment. i hear someone was telling me to keep awake. i saw my fingers turning violet simultaneously. i prayed that moment, "Lord, if this is my time, take me. But if not, this is your will". still, im alive.�


i wish, i just died that moment like the man who fell of the ground, than see myself bathing in my own blood. i look so pathetic that nobody from my friends and my *that time boyfriend was helping me out. nobody but a stranger who in fact can just stare at me and pass away.

i'd rather die than dying. i hate sufferings. why would you let someone suffer when you can even stop the pain and let go. . people go, people die. people come and go. its just a matter of time.

like love, i would let go of someone who hurts me constantly, than stay and pretend i am happy. think that everything is ok, pretend to people we are ok but we are broken.

like desparete cases of illness, i will accept the fact it is my time to go, than feed myself of medicines. apparatus to help me moving, or an oxygen to breathe but the pain doesn't go. it just leave for awhile to give me comfort, but it always come back whenever it likes to.�

like homeless people. . they sleep to satisfy their need. they look fine, but their body is laying in a freezing cold but they don't care. what is essential for them is to get rest, and no options but to sleep.�

just like me, i am alive, but i am empty.. -- WOOOT? emo? haha phew!~
sometimes, what we wish for never happens, no matter how hard we pray. no matter how close are we to God. it is He who still decides. even to those people who have nothing but prayers and faith, if He thinks it is their time. . it will happen.�
merry christmas everyone.�

2 COMMENT:


I am fond of horror and suspense thriller movies. I remember i had to roll down the  curtains in our living room while the Pioneer component sets in Dolby sound to watch movies. Theres no DVDs that time yet. I used to rent Laser Disc in video stores. Laser Disc are rare, a little pricey and hard to find the latest movies in that format, and what is always comes in handy was the Compact disc. 

Watching horror films grew in me and in our generation. Documented scary movies was then the scariest. It seems real to us, never mind the story because we didn't followed the it well. When we watched the blair witch project back in 1999, me and my friends couldn't sleep at all for almost 1 week. I even stayed in my mom's room to feel safe. hahaha. 



Another movie that scared my ass quite is the Paranormal Activity. 

This film has two sides of ending but what was shown in cinemas is the Spielberg's remake ending. it brought so goosebumps to me. Even though i am mature already, it made hard for me dozing off to sleep for about 3 days because i kept thinking what happened to guy.

If you haven't seen this two documentary scary movies yet, you are already missing 1/4 of your cinematographic life. Not to mention buying DVDs or way better, Blu-rays. These are also your investment of keeping and sorting some of the best films in hollywood.

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